Filed under: Seven Eleven
I must have been the only living being who was not either at a festival or watching the football at the weekend.How on earth could I have managed to slip through the net? I tell you how. Because I have zero interest whatsoever.
Why the big fuss about festivals? Alexa, Fearne, the Geldofs et al seem to exist solely for the purpose of standing in fields in ripped up clothing, oversized shades and hats worn at a jaunty angle whilst holding hands with grubby looking men.As for the World Cup, I have three words for you: Get over it. Now let me have my front pages back for real news
Real news like, what the hell is going on with Kerry Katona? Anyone else catch the documentary? How those poor children haven't been taken away by Brian McFadden is anyone's guess. Anyway, now she's 'new Kerry' - all sushi and Topshop - she's said to be modelling herself on Cheryl Cole and has a new addiction - exercise!
Where once she might have started her day with a line of cocaine, she now goes for a run. She also now spends a lot of time having accidentally-on-purpose pap shots taken of her running her hands through her hair (disguises bingo wings) and snaps of her in her bikini (breathing in, obviously).
Maybe they should offer the Katona addiction program to other addicts? After Kerry's proved nothing can't be solved by a nice holiday in Spain and some new bikinis, how about packing Pete Doherty off to Malaga with a couple of bandeau swimsuits?
If she is actually modelling herself on Chezza, will we soon see her embroiled in a showmance with a West End dancer? Maybe she can have Derek Hough? It's emerged this week that he's a serial heartbreaker that has left the likes of Shannon Elizabeth (the naked exchange student from American Pie) and India de Beaufort (nope, me neither) sobbing at their loss. Will Cheryl be next? Not if he's got any sense. After all, he'll never get this kind of publicity again.
Speaking of Cheryl, X-Factor excitement is mounting and who knows, maybe this year's winner could reach the dizzying heights of a previous winner and make the diva-ish demand that no one on their tour brings any meat products with them. Who could this be? Steve Brookstein? Leon Jackson? Nope, there's no way Butlins would put up with that. It is of course, Leona Lewis. Quite how she'll be putting this into practice - breath tests? X-ray scanners? - is anyone's guess.
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